I’m scared shitless about growing older. I love being in my twenties, but some things change and I don’t always know how to deal. A lot of it is good change, but at the same time it’s unchartered territory and that can be intimidating and hard to handle. You’re not 21, but you aren’t 40, either. I think there’s a weird gray area and it’s hard to know where you should fall. You start to see your parents as real people and not just the indestructible Mom and Dad; they get older, and it feels like the safety net under you gets thinner and thinner. People move and start careers and families and lives outside of the ones we spent so many years safely enjoying, and you wonder if the dynamics will change and spin out too far of your comfort level or control.
I probably worry too much about this, but I get nervous when I think about how we’re all taking different paths and to be REAL honest for the six people that read this, I sometimes feel like I’m stuck in neutral and it’s going to take a toll on the friendships. (begin psych note: being the youngest is a theme in my life and it bothers me and gets to me sometimes. End psych note.)
But then you have a day like yesterday and breath a sigh of relief. Rosa, Josh and I went out to Mike and Kelley’s. We all held Ryan and Jack for a long time, and talked about them and then moved into the kitchen to watch and help Kelley bake a cake for Mike’s birthday. We were standing in the kitchen and I realized, nothing was different other than the fact that there were babies in our arms. That’s obviously a huge and wonderful difference, but what I mean is the laughter and the conversation and the ease of friendship were all still there. Just like always.
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3 comments:
that was a good time. i'm glad you thought of it and finished your homework so that you could come with. =]
and about being in neutral- i think of it more as a california roll stop. you gotta look both ways first before moving forward.
You're not alone in that feeling. The other day it hit me - a good number of people are expecting me to make babies. BABIES!!! I'm just getting to the point where I feel comfortable telling people I'm MARRIED. Sheesh. And realizing that in two years, my mom will be 60...it's just not right.
At this point I begin to understand why feeling and staying young is so important to people - you want to hold onto what you know is good, rather than risk what could potentially suck.
Richard and I were talking the other day about letting the wind carry one to their next destination, rather than dropping anchor. I'm trying to keep that in mind over the next several months.
My life is in neutral. Sure, I'm working toward something, but the idea of that something being fulfilled is horrifying and I don't want to face the post-fulfillment unknown. And I don't want to stay where I am. Quite the conundrum. I have no answers, but know you're not alone.
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