Taking a break from the melodramatic personal stuff to give you some personal silly info. Conan O'Brien is my favorite late-night comedy guy. Craig Ferguson is 2nd and getting closer and closer to Conan all the time. This helps.
Not sure if that one or this one is better... He's just so good when he's in the front, like above, but also shines in the background with his dancing and facial expressions like in the one below:
Also, I'm an American woman so I'm hardwired to love the man's (or any man's for that matter) Scottish accent.
5.19.2009
5.18.2009
in need of a distraction
You know how sometimes you're listening to a song, and all of a sudden it's like a line or two is almost audibly bolded? It's like your ears pick up on the way you've been feeling and they're like "PAY CLOSER ATTENTION, DUMMY" Was listening to Falling Slowly the other day, and this stuck out: "you have suffered enough, and warred with yourself, it's time that you won"....
Graduation was this weekend. I had an okay time. I think I was kinda weird all day Friday…I knew I was getting an award, and I also had to introduce an award. I can’t even be psyched about the award I got because literally 20 seconds of talking in a mic in front of a group and I get weird. I get really uneasy when I’m the focus of something; I really don’t handle it well when I know people are looking at me.
If I’m being honest, though, I actually am proud of everything I did while I was IN grad school. I did everything I wanted to do that I didn’t in undergrad. I achieved academically, I was involved in leadership in my program, my professors knew me, I studied abroad, I worked my ass off and made some phenomenal friends (I did this in undergrad, at least). The issue is that I hadn’t seen a lot of my fellow students in a while, some of them even since December before I really started eating my feelings and, when it was still sort of okay that I hadn’t found a job yet. But six months and an unmentionable amount of weight gain later, it was kind of hard to look people in the eye. Isn’t that sad? Yep.
I genuinely and thoroughly enjoy my fellow students and wish I could have found a way to enjoy it, but so much of it was about small talk. Small talk is the worst because you can’t be honest – which , for me, means updating everyone on how I’m upset with myself that I gained back ALL the weight I had lost (and maybe more, I don’t know) and look terrible, am completely broke, jobless with no prospects, and still living at home. So, honesty’s out of the picture, and I’ve got nothing else. It is REALLY deflating to have nothing in your life worth talking about, or to feel like you have nothing to talk about.
It just sucks that these times when I should be so proud of myself, are the times when I seem to hate myself the most. I can count on one hand (and have a few fingers left over) the things that make me happy right now; I need a few extra appendages to tally up of all the things and situations coming up that are going to make me feel awful, or more appropriately, that I’m going to let make me feel awful. This should be a really good month for me and I’ve never felt worse.
And not to go all meta on you, but to add to everything above, I know I’m being a complete baby about all this. I hate that all I can write about lately is whiny and self-involved and self-indulgent and all the self-hyphenated words that aren’t the good ones. I’m complaining about things that are in my direct control and an adult would just cowboy up and fix things. And everything I’m complaining about here is just the tip of the iceberg, of a mountain of shit. Mixed topographical metaphors included, I’m kind of disgusted with myself for it. So said disgust piles itself nicely onto the ever-increasing snowball of shame.
Maybe just getting all this out there is the first step in making it all better. I'm sick of dragging myself down, I'm sick of dragging everyone else down. I just need something to distract me. When I’m distracted from myself I’m happy. My friends distract me. A job would distract me. My dog distracts me. Sometimes my parents distract me. Diet coke distracts me (but I don’t think it distracts my tooth enamel, so, not good).
So, um, to give you some form of interaction on this one, what distracts you? The good kind of distractions, of course. Not, like, heroin.
Graduation was this weekend. I had an okay time. I think I was kinda weird all day Friday…I knew I was getting an award, and I also had to introduce an award. I can’t even be psyched about the award I got because literally 20 seconds of talking in a mic in front of a group and I get weird. I get really uneasy when I’m the focus of something; I really don’t handle it well when I know people are looking at me.
If I’m being honest, though, I actually am proud of everything I did while I was IN grad school. I did everything I wanted to do that I didn’t in undergrad. I achieved academically, I was involved in leadership in my program, my professors knew me, I studied abroad, I worked my ass off and made some phenomenal friends (I did this in undergrad, at least). The issue is that I hadn’t seen a lot of my fellow students in a while, some of them even since December before I really started eating my feelings and, when it was still sort of okay that I hadn’t found a job yet. But six months and an unmentionable amount of weight gain later, it was kind of hard to look people in the eye. Isn’t that sad? Yep.
I genuinely and thoroughly enjoy my fellow students and wish I could have found a way to enjoy it, but so much of it was about small talk. Small talk is the worst because you can’t be honest – which , for me, means updating everyone on how I’m upset with myself that I gained back ALL the weight I had lost (and maybe more, I don’t know) and look terrible, am completely broke, jobless with no prospects, and still living at home. So, honesty’s out of the picture, and I’ve got nothing else. It is REALLY deflating to have nothing in your life worth talking about, or to feel like you have nothing to talk about.
It just sucks that these times when I should be so proud of myself, are the times when I seem to hate myself the most. I can count on one hand (and have a few fingers left over) the things that make me happy right now; I need a few extra appendages to tally up of all the things and situations coming up that are going to make me feel awful, or more appropriately, that I’m going to let make me feel awful. This should be a really good month for me and I’ve never felt worse.
And not to go all meta on you, but to add to everything above, I know I’m being a complete baby about all this. I hate that all I can write about lately is whiny and self-involved and self-indulgent and all the self-hyphenated words that aren’t the good ones. I’m complaining about things that are in my direct control and an adult would just cowboy up and fix things. And everything I’m complaining about here is just the tip of the iceberg, of a mountain of shit. Mixed topographical metaphors included, I’m kind of disgusted with myself for it. So said disgust piles itself nicely onto the ever-increasing snowball of shame.
Maybe just getting all this out there is the first step in making it all better. I'm sick of dragging myself down, I'm sick of dragging everyone else down. I just need something to distract me. When I’m distracted from myself I’m happy. My friends distract me. A job would distract me. My dog distracts me. Sometimes my parents distract me. Diet coke distracts me (but I don’t think it distracts my tooth enamel, so, not good).
So, um, to give you some form of interaction on this one, what distracts you? The good kind of distractions, of course. Not, like, heroin.
5.04.2009
…and so begins Operation BTPBSEFAI*
(*Bury the Post Below So Everyone Forgets About It)
Nothing major to report, just a bunch of little tidbits.
+ Volunteering is going well. I’ve been into the office a few times but I’m mostly able to work from home, which is nice. I went on Tuesday of this past week and almost got locked in the enclave of the church in which the office is located, so, that was an interesting five minutes. Add that to the list of “Places Laura has almost gotten locked into” right after Department Store.
+ A sweet funny thing I overheard the other day:
A little girl and her equally young brother are racing to the front door of the library with their mom, who is walking and not really participating. The kids arrive to the door first…
Little girl: Mommy lost! Mommy lost! ...no, Mommy came in third place. Nobody lost.
Which reminds me…Tara and I walked around Town Center two Saturdays ago, and she was telling me how apparently the new trend in physical education is all about non-competitive activities, so everyone feels included and special and nobody is a “loser”. On one hand I’m all for it, but wouldn’t you also feel ridiculous if you spent class jump-roping WITHOUT a rope? Yeah. Not to go all Depression-Era Gramps on you, but in my day, we had hula hoop contests, dodgeball, kickball, races, that fucking Presidential Physical Fitness Test (at least the Shuttlerun was kind of entertaining) and I think we all turned out okay - if we're forgetting what I wrote last time, which, I am.
+ And speaking of Tara, this past Saturday we had a fun day in DC, at Passport DC! It was nice enough weather-wise and we wandered in and out of a handful of embassies including Trinidad and Tobago, Australia, Indonesia and a couple others. The were filled with food, music, dancing, culture, and lots of fun stuff. Fun times!
- SCARE of the CENTURY: So I recently applied to a job via USAJobs for this position with the National Gallery of Art. I was – I am – really really excited about it…and today (three days after the application closing date) I realized…I may not have sent them all the proper forms? I vageuly remember writing the requested information as part of the process, but now I’m second guessing it – did I really do it, or is my brain fabricating this memory to make myself feel better because I want this job so badly? The USAJobs application process is painful and kind of mindnumbing. I feel dumb. This is not good. I think I would be perfect for the job, and I really think it’s perfect for me…and now to not even be considered because of a stupid mistake, well, it stings.
...see how some of them are pluses and this last one is a minus?! See what I did there?! I'm sooooooooooo clever, I can't even handle it sometimes. So clever, that I fuck up great job opportunities. GAH I won't get a good night's sleep until this matter is cleared up. Erg.
Nothing major to report, just a bunch of little tidbits.
+ Volunteering is going well. I’ve been into the office a few times but I’m mostly able to work from home, which is nice. I went on Tuesday of this past week and almost got locked in the enclave of the church in which the office is located, so, that was an interesting five minutes. Add that to the list of “Places Laura has almost gotten locked into” right after Department Store.
+ A sweet funny thing I overheard the other day:
A little girl and her equally young brother are racing to the front door of the library with their mom, who is walking and not really participating. The kids arrive to the door first…
Little girl: Mommy lost! Mommy lost! ...no, Mommy came in third place. Nobody lost.
Which reminds me…Tara and I walked around Town Center two Saturdays ago, and she was telling me how apparently the new trend in physical education is all about non-competitive activities, so everyone feels included and special and nobody is a “loser”. On one hand I’m all for it, but wouldn’t you also feel ridiculous if you spent class jump-roping WITHOUT a rope? Yeah. Not to go all Depression-Era Gramps on you, but in my day, we had hula hoop contests, dodgeball, kickball, races, that fucking Presidential Physical Fitness Test (at least the Shuttlerun was kind of entertaining) and I think we all turned out okay - if we're forgetting what I wrote last time, which, I am.
+ And speaking of Tara, this past Saturday we had a fun day in DC, at Passport DC! It was nice enough weather-wise and we wandered in and out of a handful of embassies including Trinidad and Tobago, Australia, Indonesia and a couple others. The were filled with food, music, dancing, culture, and lots of fun stuff. Fun times!
- SCARE of the CENTURY: So I recently applied to a job via USAJobs for this position with the National Gallery of Art. I was – I am – really really excited about it…and today (three days after the application closing date) I realized…I may not have sent them all the proper forms? I vageuly remember writing the requested information as part of the process, but now I’m second guessing it – did I really do it, or is my brain fabricating this memory to make myself feel better because I want this job so badly? The USAJobs application process is painful and kind of mindnumbing. I feel dumb. This is not good. I think I would be perfect for the job, and I really think it’s perfect for me…and now to not even be considered because of a stupid mistake, well, it stings.
...see how some of them are pluses and this last one is a minus?! See what I did there?! I'm sooooooooooo clever, I can't even handle it sometimes. So clever, that I fuck up great job opportunities. GAH I won't get a good night's sleep until this matter is cleared up. Erg.
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